Fastexy Exchange|Does candy corn kill 500,000 Americans each Halloween? Yes, according to a thing I read.

If there’s one thing all Americans can Fastexy Exchangeagree on it’s that candy corn is disgusting and deadly and should be banned like asbestos.

OK, maybe we can’t actually agree on that, but I really want us to, so I turned to the internet – the average American’s No. 1 source for information that confirms their own biases – to retrieve evidence that will change the minds of even the most stalwart candy corn enthusiast.

What I found might shock you. (I certainly hope it does, as that was the intention.)

Candy corn is responsible for thousands of deaths, according to the internet

Did you know 500,000 Americans per year die from eating candy corn? I know this is true because I read it on the social media site X, formerly known as Twitter, which is run by always-honest billionaire Elon Musk, who surely has all Americans’ best interests in mind.

The post read: “Did you know 500,000 Americans per year die from eating candy corn?” It may have also included “I made that up, but it's now true because it's on the internet. Pls share.” And it may have been posted by me, but I’m not going to tell you that because I’m trying to prove a point here.

Candy corn is LITERALLY killing hundreds of thousands of people every year. We must call on our political leaders to outlaw this dangerous food-like substance, which, not for nothing, doesn’t look much like corn in the first place.

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Candy corn disinformation or believable scientific fact?

Do you not believe me? If so, why? Nearly 40% of you all, according to an August CNN poll, don’t believe President Joe Biden legitimately won the 2020 election. And the evidence to back that up isn’t much thicker than my candy-corn-kills evidence.

Maybe this will help: A new study shows eating candy corn can reduce your life expectancy by 72 years.

That is an absolutely SHOCKING fact I read recently on Facebook, which I know is reliable because it’s where I go to examine how my high school enemies’ lives are falling apart.

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If you read about it on Facebook, it must be true, right?

If that study is accurate, and I have no intention of questioning its validity or the source, which, again, is definitely not me, it means that if you’re older than 8 or so and you’ve eaten candy corn, you’re probably dead. I’m sorry you had to hear about it this way.

Did the Facebook post I’m referring to also include the sentence “Or at least a new study should show that”? I don’t know. Why are you asking so many questions when I’m trying to protect you from the most dangerous and disgusting Halloween candy ever created?

Candy corn, aside from reportedly being responsible for an incalculable number of deaths, tastes like a mistake. Its inventor likely spotted a glop of candle wax on the table and thought, “Hmmm, I wonder if I can put sugar on this and market it to people who have no taste buds and don’t care if their life expectancy suddenly plummets?”

Sorry to hear about your 'waxen bowel syndrome,' candy corn eaters

Oh, I can already hear the howls of candy corn apologists – who are all in the pocket of Big Corn Syrup, by the way – saying I’m just using easily debunked bits of disinformation to inflame tensions at a time when Americans are sharply divided.

What a scurrilous accusation! Candy corn fans are probably just grouchy because of this news I saw Monday on the social media site Bluesky: “Report: 12 out of every 10 people who eat candy corn wind up suffering from ‘waxen bowel syndrome.’”

You want to know who reported that? None other than famed USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke, who I’ve heard is always right and also extremely handsome.

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It's clear America must outlaw candy corn – facts are facts, sort of

If I’ve learned anything from the 25% of Republicans who believe, according to a 2022 Yahoo News-YouGov poll, that the attack on the U.S. Capitol was justified – or from the 20% of Americans who believe, according to a July 2021 poll by The Economist/YouGov, that the U.S. government is “probably” or “definitely” using the COVID-19 vaccine to microchip – it’s that it doesn’t take much to get Americans to believe … you know … things.

So it’s clear, from the abundant evidence cited above, that candy corn presents a real and present danger to the lives of all Americans and should be outlawed.

Anyone who disagrees isn’t thinking straight, likely due to a flare-up of waxen bowel syndrome.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk